small things

with great love

we moved into a little yellow house with a lots of trees and a big backyard. there’s a garage and a deck and a driveway just for us. i’d never felt the buzzing excitement and deep down desire to create a home out of a house until then. nothing ever felt permanent enough for that. there’s pictures and art on the walls, blankets and throw pillows spread across the couch, coordinating pairs of shoes by the back door, books stacked on various shelves, candles burning, the tv on, soft and low. there’s love, everywhere. every morning i wake up, go upstairs and cast everything in the warm golden glow of the lights. my coffee maker hums to life and i make a latte and i swirl the foam around and listen to the tinkling of the ice against the glass. i feel so happy to be alive, to be here.

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i started a new job. it’s a strange but not unfamiliar feeling, starting over. i imagine i’ll never run out of opportunities to be the new girl, the outsider, the small fish in a big pond. i think it’s comforting, though, to know that what follows is a chance for friendship and community and endless things to learn. a fresh perspective. i wear business professional clothes and have my own desk and computer with sticky notes and folders and chapstick and granola bars scattered around. i park in the same spot everyday. i say good morning and laugh and tell jokes and show pictures of our house or something funny i saw online to the same group of women everyday. i’m learning, feeling challenged, taking on new responsibilities. it’s the first time i’ve felt any resonance to the word ‘career’ in my life. i feel so happy to be alive, to be here.

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when i turned twenty-six i finally started to feel a little less like time was constantly lurking over my shoulder, ready to attack. a little less like i was losing something by growing up and moving forward, and a little more like i had so much yet to experience and that there was nothing to feel held back by or to be afraid of. we stayed in a bed and breakfast up north. there were flowers and sunshine and water all around. we ate breakfast at a cafe that had board games on all the tables and laughed when we didn’t know any of the answers to the trivia questions. we went to wineries and walked around gift shops and had ice cream and watched movies and played mini golf and walked along a little stretch of beach with our toes in the freezing cold water. we whispered ‘i love you’ to each other every second of everyday. i felt so happy to be alive, to be there.

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it’s 8:04am. i’m sitting by the patio door watching the snow fold a crisp white blanket over the trees, the chairs, the little swing set way back by the woods. it’s quiet and the christmas tree lights are reflecting in the windows. it’s been on my mind and in my heart work on (seriously) expressing more gratitude. for every little thing. the seemingly insignificant things that actually make my life better or brighter or bigger in some way. waking up, having a warm bed, taking a shower every morning. eating breakfast, drinking coffee, listening to music or a podcast while getting ready. my six minute commute to work, my coworkers, my manageable hours, even having a job at all. comfy clothes after work, cooking dinner, telling stories about our days, watching our favorite shows. reading before bed. falling asleep next to the person i love.

thank you God, everyday, for this life. i feel so blessed to be alive, to be here.

xo zara